i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Damn victory sex feels great
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