If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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