yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
