A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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