I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Pants are for mortals
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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