Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
pray to the hookup gods
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
