HIV tests are more positive than that guy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
