I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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