We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
