this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
