the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
