we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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