We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
