Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
