I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So squirting runs in the family.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
