do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
