last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
