take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
