So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
