we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
