Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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