he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize