I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
my poor anus
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm always down for nudity.
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