I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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