Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
