Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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