Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Ketchup is God's man juice
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
