Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
