the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
