so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
