Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
