Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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