i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
