when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
