the day after is always just damage control
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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