Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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