evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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