Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
