It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize