Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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