I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
