The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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