I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
