WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize