Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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