Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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