i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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