Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
