I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
