On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
