Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
