I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
