I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
