So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
