easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
