I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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