I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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