i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize