I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
