I met the friendliest cop last night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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