Is it because I queefed?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize