happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
