I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i now understand why vodka
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize