by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
