Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
