I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
