just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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