My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize