She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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