You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
