So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
